Hand Rankings


As the yawns circled the table, the host and current dealer declared that this would be the final hand of a long night, which had been made even longer by the lack of poker chips. Roderick the Rock had lent his sets to Figaro for a bachelor party the previous weekend, but the Fish had forgotten to bring them back. Rod had raided thus both his kids’ piggy banks, grabbed the half-full change jar on the mantle by the garage door, and scrounged beneath the sofa cushions for all the loose change he could find. With larger coins lacking, pennies had necessarily been put into play for the first time since the players were in elementary school themselves.

[WW] Always looking for action, William the Whale suggested, “Let’s all go all-in blind before the deal!” Carlos the Crazy quickly seconded the motion, Harriet the Hazy agreed, and within a minute, peer pressure had taken over and all nine players had acceded.1

[FF] Figaro the Fish giddily realized, “This is the first hand this year where none of you are going to outplay me!”

[RR] “And you won’t be out of position in the small blind either”, Roderick remarked as he dealt the cards face up to give everyone a good look at what craziness they’d gotten themselves into. Stan the Stat enjoyed reporting each person’s preflop chances from his iPhone:2

Player Stack Cards Win %
Figaro the Fish $5.95 7♦7♣ 20.9%
Carlos the Crazy $71.29 A♥K♥ 19.0%
Tyrone the Telephone $9.55 6♥6♣ 16.5%
William the Whale $46.09 J♥2♦ 9.5%
Al the Almost $18.79 Q♠5♠ 7.5%
Harriet the Hazy $33.49 5♦4♠ 7.2%
Stan the Stat $13.75 A♠3♠ 7.1%
Yuri the Young Gun $25.09 T♥9♦ 6.6%
Roderick the Rock $2.80 T♠9♠ 5.9%

[RR] “Behind as usual”, whined Roderick. “It’s mostly just a race between Figaro and Carlos.”

[FF] “And Tyrone. Though I’m amazed he’s only four percent behind me with a smaller pair”, noted Figaro.

[SS] “That’s because if he spikes a Six, he’ll probably win. And your pair of Sevens isn’t likely to win unimproved against eight opponents”, Stan explained.

On the flop Roderick, revealed the J♠8♠6♦, hitting Tyrone’s set, but giving Roderick a straight flush draw, Stan the nut flush draw (over Al’s and Roderick’s weaker flush draws), Yuri a straight draw matching Roderick’s, and Harriet a useless inside straight draw (only a Three and a Two would save her).

Player Cards Win %
Tyrone the Telephone 6♥6♣ 59.8%
Roderick the Rock T♠9♠ 13.9%
Stan the Stat A♠3♠ 8.8%
Yuri the Young Gun T♥9♦ 7.4%
William the Whale J♥2♦ 3.4%
Figaro the Fish 7♦7♣ 3.2%
Carlos the Crazy A♥K♥ 1.3%
Harriet the Hazy 5♦4♠ 1.3%
Al the Almost Q♠5♠ 1.0%

On the turn, Roderick showed the 7♥, propelling his and Yuri’s straights into the lead. Figaro could still win by filling up, while Tyrone needed the case3 Six.

Player Cards Win %
Roderick the Rock T♠9♠ 38.3%
Yuri the Young Gun T♥9♦ 35.0%
Figaro the Fish 7♦7♣ 16.7%
Stan the Stat A♠3♠ 6.7%
Tyrone the Telephone 6♥6♣ 3.3%
Carlos the Crazy A♥K♥ 0.0%
William the Whale J♥2♦ 0.0%
Harriet the Hazy 5♦4♠ 0.0%
Al the Almost Q♠5♠ 0.0%

[FF] Five players could still claim the pot, but Yuri and Rod were already smiling at their chances. A moment after the host flipped the river card, the 7♠, Figaro screamed, “I got my quads!”

[RR] But Roderick trumped him, “But I got a straight flush!”

[SS] When calmness finally returned to the room and Roderick began to divvy the pot, Stan realized that an amazing thing had just happened beyond Figaro’s bad beat. “Carlos started with one of the best hands but ended with only a pair of Sevens. William had a horrible hand, flopped top pair and improved to two pairs, Jacks over Sevens on the river, beating Carlos. Harriet topped that with her Eight-high idiot straight4. Yuri edged her with a Ten-high straight. Al surpassed Yuri with a Queen-high flush, only to be outdone by Stan’s nut flush. Tyrone was the best on the turn and improved to a full house, Sixes over Sevens on the river. And Figaro backdoored his four Sevens only to lose to Roderick, who had the worst odds at first and ended with a straight flush. Pair loses to two pairs loses to straight loses to bigger straight loses to flush loses to bigger flush loses to full house loses to quads loses to straight flush!”

[SS] “The only things we were missing were a no-pair hand, which obviously would have been the worst, and a three-of-a-kind, which would have finished between William’s two pairs and Harriet’s low straight. But it wouldn’t have mattered if we had a couple more players, since neither was possible5.

Roderick needed a full ten minutes to sort out the all the coins and bills. The players had finished in exactly the same order as their preflop stack sizes, from smallest to biggest, so after he took the main pot for himself, he still had seven side pots to calculate. And in the end, a most curious thing had happened:

Player Starting Stack Ending Stack
Carlos the Crazy $71.29 $25.20
William the Whale $46.09 $25.20
Harriet the Hazy $33.49 $25.20
Yuri the Young Gun $25.09 $25.20
Al the Almost $18.79 $25.20
Stan the Stat $13.75 $25.20
Tyrone the Telephone $9.55 $25.20
Figaro the Fish $5.95 $25.20
Roderick the Rock $2.80 $25.20

[TT] Tyrone bid adieu to the group: “Rod paid off the win, and he paid off for second / He divided out third as fourth through eighth beckoned / But I heard him exclaim ‘ere he turned out the light / ‘Happy split pot to all, and to all a good night!'”6

Footnotes:

  1. Acquaint yourself with the full cast and backstory of “Hold ‘Em at Home”.
  2. All tables with lighter green headers can now be sorted by tapping on any of the column names.
  3. The last card of a given denomination in the deck, with “case” referring to the box that playing cards usually come in.
  4. The idiot end of a straight is the bottom end, as it can lose to one or more higher straights.
  5. The board needs to have a pair to make quads and full houses possible, so a no-pair hand is impossible. With a pair on the board, it’s possible to either have one more of the denomination for three of a kind or two more for four of a kind, but not both, since that would require five suits. No other three of a kind is possible, as that would make a full house.
  6. Tip of the hat to Clement Clarke Moore.

Related Links:

Flash replayer version of the hand

Full Tilt Poker formatted version, suitable for inputting into various poker analysis tools

Full Tilt Poker Game #0000000022: $25 Home Tourney (000002), Table 1 - 50/100 - No Limit Hold'em - 00:00:01 GMT - 2013/02/09
Seat 1: CrazyCarlos (6,300)
Seat 2: FishFigaro (4,000)
Seat 3: AlmostAl (6,100)
Seat 4: EagleElias (6,250)
Seat 5: YoungGunYuri (7,250)
Seat 6: RockRoderick (6,500)
Seat 7: MildredMouse (4,600)
Seat 8: LionLeroy (7,000)
FishFigaro posts the small blind of 50
AlmostAl posts the big blind of 100
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to CrazyCarlos [7d 4d]
EagleElias folds
YoungGunYuri raises to 300
RockRoderick calls 300
MildredMouse folds
LionLeroy calls 300
CrazyCarlos raises to 500
FishFigaro folds
AlmostAl folds
YoungGunYuri calls 200
RockRoderick calls 200
LionLeroy calls 200
*** FLOP *** [7s 7h 7c]
YoungGunYuri checks
RockRoderick checks
LionLeroy checks
CrazyCarlos bets 700
YoungGunYuri calls 700
RockRoderick calls 700
LionLeroy calls 700
*** TURN *** [7s 7h 7c] [Ad]
YoungGunYuri bets 2,500
RockRoderick raises to 5,000
LionLeroy raises to 5,800, and is all in
CrazyCarlos calls 5,100, and is all in
YoungGunYuri calls 3,300
RockRoderick calls 300, and is all in
*** RIVER *** [7s 7h 7c Ad] [5h]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
LionLeroy shows [As Qs] full house, Sevens over Aces
CrazyCarlos shows [7d 4d] four Sevens
YoungGunYuri shows [Ac 3c] full house, Sevens over Aces
RockRoderick shows [Ah Kc] full house, Sevens over Aces
Hero wins the pot (25,350) with four Sevens
RockRoderick wins the side pot (200) with full house, Sevens over Aces
YoungGunYuri wins the side pot (700) with full house, Sevens over Aces
LionLeroy wins the side pot (700) with full house, Sevens over Aces
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 26,950 | Rake 0
Board: [7s 7h 7c Ad 5h]
Seat 1: CrazyCarlos (button) showed [7d 4d] and won (25,350) with four Sevens
Seat 2: FishFigaro (small blind) folded before the flop
Seat 3: AlmostAl (big blind) folded before the flop
Seat 4: EagleElias folded before the flop
Seat 5: YoungGunYuri showed [Ac 3c] and won (700) with full house, Sevens over Aces
Seat 6: RockRoderick showed [Ah Kc] and won (200) with full house, Sevens over Aces
Seat 7: MildredMouse folded before the flop
Seat 8: LionLeroy showed [As Qs] and won (700) with full house, Sevens over Aces




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